2015

I've tried to write this blog post over and over again and nothing seems right.   I can't believe we are at the end of another year again.  Last year I was so glad to see 2013 end.  I wanted this year to be a year of new beginnings and new chapters in my life.  Problem is I still got stuck in the same chapter of  get pregnant have a miscarriage that threw off the entire year for me.  Having endured 2 empty due dates was tough.  Having to still endure monthly angel birthdays while dreading Janessa's 5th angel birthday in 2015 is awful.  I feel like I'm a record stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I don't know what to set for goals next year.  It seems like every time I choose a word for the year everything goes crazy and my goals go down the toilet.  Instead of loosing weight I gained weight.  Instead of being able to function and start coping I became more dysfunctional and felt like my family fell more apart instead of starting to piece back together.  I wanted my words for the year to be JOY, HOPE, and PEACE. I even bought candles hoping they would give me encouragement, but, I guess part of me wonders if joy, hope, and peace is ever possible for me ever again?  I know it is--somewhere deep inside it is there, but, right now there is too much cloud cover for me to see the sunlight.

So I guess as far as goals and words for the year for 2015--I say Ba Humbug I'm not setting anything!  I'm too grouchy and ornery and sad right now.  I just want to survive 2015 without anything major happening--no more kids dying, no more debt, no more appliances, cars, etc. dying--I just want a normal/calm year.

For my 2 little angel babies who had due dates in 2014--Jason 4/25/2014 and Rae Anne 11/17/2014