A Year in review 2014

I had such high hopes for 2014, it was to be my year of calm after the storm, instead it ended up being another major storm added to the rest of the grief hurricane inside me.  Instead of being able to find peace and calm I found more grief and for 6 months I endured double remembrance monthly angel b-days for both Jason and Rae Anne.  I was already struggling each month as Jason's due date came up in April so when I got a positive pregnancy test in March I was so sure this was my miracle to help me cope with Jason's loss.  I was so excited that I would still be able to have a baby in 2014.  When I loss her a couple of weeks later it was more than I could take.  I have been unable to make pinwheel pictures--something that I love--because of her death for most of the year, and instead have turned my attention to group remembrance activities like the Day of Hope, and the PinWheel Healing Field, and the over 300 knitted hats for the Christmas Angel Tree.  I will never understand why my 2 "miracle" babies that I wanted so badly were taken away and I was forced to endure double grief this year.  Among all this grief I have found moments of Calm, and Peace, and Joy which I have had a hard time finding these past 5 years.

2--2 Angel Baby Due Dates 4/25/14 and 11/17/14

0--0 Rainbow Babies Again
        0 trampolines bought
        0 new house moved to
        0 pounds lost
        0 trip to Disneyland

1--1 more Positive Pregnancy Test
     1 more angel baby born too soon <3 Rae Anne <3
     1 new son-in-law
     1 new cat
     1 trip in an airplane
     1 last family vacation--Manti Pageant, Bryce Canyon, Zion's, Tuachan Play Wizard of Oz, Arches, Dead Horse Point, and 115 degree weather in Mesquite, Nevada watching fireworks from our rental condo balcony.
     1 beautiful wedding of my daughter
     1 Christmas Tree for Ethan celebrated in October
     1 New Car
     1 calm and fun Primary class
     1 new thing learned--how to text
     1 hot house endured when our AC broke and the repair man became almost a daily person in our house--we joked about adding his picture to our family picture wall because he came so much during the summer!
     1 beautiful Ogden Temple Open House that we went to
     1 credit card stolen so 1 new credit card
     1 old van sold and 1 newer car bought
     1st Angel Birthday for Jason

4--4 Angel Babies (Janessa, Hope, Jason, Rae Anne)
       4th Angel Birthday for Janessa
       4 + 300 knitted angel hats

14 is my favorite number because my birthday is on the 14th and my 1st alive baby was born on a 14th.  I really thought 2014 would be my year.  In a way it was good and bad at the same time.  Definitely had things I was Not expecting to happen.  It is officially my year of saying goodbye to the pregnancy/baby/toddler/preschooler stages of my life and stepping forward into another stage--it is so hard to let all of that go, but, I am so looking forward to being a Grandma some time in the years to come so my Rainbow Babies will have to come through them now.

Goodbye 2014 it is like saying goodbye to a good friend that you know you'll never see again.  Hello 2015--I'm not sure what to think of you.  Part of me dreads you coming for fear that there will be more stress and pain--definitely NOT looking forward to Janessa's 5th Angel Birthday, but, part of me looks forward to the moments of peace and calm and hope and JOY that you will bring too.