15 Days . . . . .

15 days until Hope's 1st Angel Birthday.  I'm going crazy already remembering the awful things that happened the week of my miscarriage.  I'm really critical of myself right now.  Every little thing I do wrong I end up hating myself and telling myself what a terrible mother I am and that I can't do anything right.  And then it all comes back to the fact that I feel so awful because I didn't keep my babies safe while they were inside me, even though there is nothing I could have done to prevent their deaths.  Hope's miscarriage eats at me even more than Janessa's because she was my rainbow baby, she was my hope to make up for  not keeping Janessa safe.  To have lost Hope almost a year after Janessa was a big blow to my self esteem and self confidence and now everytime I get closer to those yearly anniversary dates it is hard to feel like I'm good at anything anymore.  It was my job to keep my babies safe and to feel like I failed twice at that is almost unbearable.

Days like today I'm not functioning in real life very well.  I was trying to read a chapter of the story Sarah Plain and Tall to one of my daughters and as Anna is describing how she felt when her baby brother was born and then her mother died I just burst out bawling.  I'm sure my daughter thinks I've lost it.  I just feel so emotional right now that everything is causing me to burst out in tears.  I'm trying to hide all these feelings and just let it be a silent grief instead, but, there is a hole in my dam and the water keeps leaking through.

15 days until all those awful memories of my miscarriage come bursting through the deep, dark, memory file I tried to shove them into.  15 days that were the last I had with my little baby Hope.  I think I will wear something yellow or something with a heart or ladybug on it in rememberance of those last 15 days, every day until May 7th because those are the symbols that remind me of Hope Abigail.

15 days until the anniversary of when my life fell apart again. I feel like yelling and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum again.  I don't want these days to go by, I don't want her birthday to get any closer, I want to curl up in a ball, hug her little bear and just cry and cry and cry.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)