My name is Shauna and my life dramatically changed March 9, 2010, when my 6th daughter, Janessa, was born sleeping (stillborn). I was and am devasted by the loss of my precious angel. I felt so lost and confused because I didn't know anyone who had had a stillborn baby. No one knew how to treat me or act around me because I was the only one in the neighborhood who this had happened to. It seemed unreal--I thought babies don't die now-a-days this isn't pioneer days this is the 21st century!! At first I couldn't accept what had happened. I felt completely alone and like I had acquired some awful contagious disease that people didn't want to catch so they didn't speak to me or avoided me. I endured those tramatic feelings for 6 months until I found a SHARE Grief Class. At that class I met other women who had gone through similar experiences and I can not even begin to express how that helped me not feel so alone. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere--even if it was in a group I didn't want to be a part of.
Right before Janessa's 1st Angel birthday I was introduced to the world of blogging by an online friend, Christy, who had loss her precious angel, Declan, 6 months after I loss Janessa. I was amazed to find other women online who again could relate to my grief. Also, at this time, I made another online friend, Tiffany, (Names on the Sidewalk), who wrote Janessa's name in chalk and sent the picture to me. It was such a wonderful experience to see Janessa's name written by someone else--it validated her life to me and that was a most precious gift. As I made different requests to other women who reached out to others and wrote angel baby names it filled me with joy and peace and I knew that this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to remember and honor Janessa by writing other angel babies names on pinwheel pictures--thus began PinWheels from Heaven. I love being able to help other mommy of angels find a moment of peace on their hard grief journey by writing their baby's name. What I wasn't expecting was the complete peace and joy that I gained each time I did a pinwheel picture.
Around this same time in March of 2011 that I began my blog, I found out that I was pregnant with our rainbow baby, Hope Abigail. I was thrilled and scared all at the same time. I dreamed about holding little Hope in my arms at Christmas time when she was suppose to be born and the healing and peace she would bring into our family. Unfortunately, Heavenly Father had other plans for us. At 10 weeks, over mother's day weekend, I miscarried Hope Abigail. I was and am still devasted losing my precious rainbow baby. I have learned that it doesn't matter how many weeks you are along (4-8-10-18-26-36, etc.) carry your precious baby, a bond of love is formed and every loss rips a hole in your heart. I am still trying to put my broken heart and the pieces to my broken life back together again.
Somedays I am able to move forward on this hard journey with grief as my traveling companion and I do okay. Other days grief is a solid brick wall that stops my journey completely. I guess some of the biggest comforts are knowing that I am not alone, my Heavenly Father cares and is there to help me, and I have found great comfort in meeting (even if it is only online) other mommy of angels and know that they understand what this is like also.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
I am visiting from Tesha's link up.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your pain (((hugs))).
There are many of us babyloss momma's out there,and I want you to know I am here if you need to talk.