Happy 2nd Angel Birthday Janessa!

Happy 2nd Angel Birthday

Janessa!

This is a remembrance video of Janessa that I put together for her 2nd Angel Birthday:

My sweet little angel it is unreal that you would be turning 2 today.  I feel so very lost without you here.  I look at all your beautiful pictures and cry tears of sadness because I miss you so very much, but, also tears of joy that I was privileged to be your mommy and carry you for 9 months.  9 Months that was just a special Mommy and Me time just between you and I.  I long to see you and hold you again.  I want to see you as a 2 year old learning new things and growing up.  It breaks my heart to think about all the many things we are missing out on with you.  Please know that I love you very much and that I carry you in my heart always.

Love,  Mommy

Angel Birthday Party

Okay, I was feeling sad seeing all these b-day party invitations my 6 year old has been invited to--you know the same old it's not fair because Janessa will never be invited to a b-day party and I will never be able to throw her a birthday party.  But, then I thought why can't I throw her an Angel Birthday Party in Heaven--it's not quite the same, but, under the circumstances her party has to be a little different than a normal party.  I have taken great delight with images in my head of a bunch of angel kids in heaven all gathered together to play angel games such as catch the balloon floating up from earth, and run as fast as you can past all the pinwheels outside to make them spin, and dance in the light of all the candles all over the earth lit for her birthday.  Those are the images I would like to remember this year for her angel birthday.

So, this is Janessa's 2nd Angel Birthday Invitation:

Your Invited

to Janessa's

2nd Angel Birthday Party!

To:  All Angel Babies

When: Friday, March 9th

Where: Heaven

Games: 

Catch the Balloon From Earth

Run Past a Pinwheel to make it spin

Dance in the light of the candles lit at 9:08 p.m.

For all Friends and Family and Mommy's and Daddy's of Angels who would like to participate these are some ideas:

-Release a balloon to Heaven on March 9th or

-Put a pinwheel outside in your yard on March 9th or

-Light a candle around 9:08 p.m. (the time Janessa was born) on March 9th

Thank you to anyone who chooses to participate in any way--it means a lot to me.

Remember you  can still enter the angel bear/rainbow pinwheel give-a-way drawing in honor of Janessa's b-day by clicking HERE.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

March 7th, 2012--10 Months

It's been 10 months since I miscarried my precious Angel, Hope Abigail and now I begin the 10 week remembrance to her angel b-day.  Those precious, very quick 10 weeks that she and I shared. 

The other day I went and got my hair cut, but, I forgot how stylists like to "chit chat" while they cut your hair.  That's okay, it's just the first question seems to always be "how many kids do you have?"  This time I didn't even stop to think or hesitate I instantly blurted out 8, 6 on earth, 2 in heaven.  The stylist wasn't fazed at all she just continued to ask general questions about my kids.  I was happy that I am finally able to answer that question and be okay with my answer.

It's been a hard couple of days.  I'm frustrated that I don't feel the overwhelming peace that I felt last year during this week--I've felt small moments of peace, but mainly I just feel empty and broken.

Happy 10 Month Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

I Love You!

Love, Mommy

Tuesdays

My heart and mind know that today is Tuesday, even though it is not the 9th today, it is a Tuesday.  Janessa died on a Tuesday.  Two years ago on a Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. I was given the worse news any parent can be given--my baby had no heartbeat and had passed away.  I can still see the scene clearly today, lying on the examination table with a huge tv screen on the wall showing my lifeless baby inside me as the ultrasound technician whispered--I am so sorry there is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away.  How are you suppose to react to news like that--mine was instant shock, sadness, denial, and anger. 

Today I sit here numb remembering all the memories of that day--remembering that right now 2 years ago they were hooking me up to an IV and petocin and then the anesthesiologist comes in all happy and joking not realizing that mine was not a live birth.  I remember me sitting there hoping that the epidural would not only take away the physical pain but also the emotional pain of my breaking heart.  Another one of the things I remember from that time is the QUIET of that room.  There was no monitors hooked up happily beaping as they tracked my babys heartbeat, there was no music playing to help me focus while the contractions came, there was no tv on trying to keep myself distracted, there wasn't even the constant interuption of nurses--although they did come in every once in a while to check on me they did so somberly and quietly.  It was just me and my husband silently holding hands as we watched hour after hour at the downpour of rain outside our window. 

I HATE thinking about all that QUIET.

I even hated every Tuesday for the first year because I relived those moments every week.  Now I can get through Tuesdays except for this one--this one that my mind goes back and relives all those moments again.  This is so incredibly hard.  I don't think I will ever really like Tuesdays again.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Calvin's Angel Birthday March 5

Happy Angel Birthday

Calvin!

Zachary's Angel Birthday March 4

Happy Angel Birthday

Zachary!

Sunrise's PinWheel

Baby Sabrowske's Angel Birthday March 2

Happy Angel Birthday

Baby Sabrowske!

Watching the Sun Come Up

I woke up with instant tears this morning because the dreaded month of March has finally arrived.  Then I thought back to last night looking outside at all the snow that had fallen and being amazed because it was 10:30 p.m. and I could see my whole backyard.  It has brought me some comfort that a night that should have been completely black like my grief was filled with light almost as if it were daytime.  I ran outside and made a few more snowhearts and my heart was filled with such peace and calm as I knelt in the snow watching the sunrise--it was absolutely beautiful.  It was so calm and quiet it was as if I was the only person on the earth right then.

My youngest living daughter, who just had her birthday, decided today that she was going to do a countdown for Janessa for her birthday because Janessa isn't here to do it.  She even made a paper chain with 8 links--that touched my heart and completely made my day!

This neon small pink pinwheel is Janessa's new pinwheel to represent that she is turning 2.  It will be placed next to her big pinwheel when I move all the pinwheels outside again.

 The Beautiful Sunrise!

 Gotta Love my new neon yellow shoes!!!!! :)

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Remember you can still enter the give-a-way for Janessa's Angel Birthday by clicking HERE

Feb. 29th 2012--Give-A-Way Drawing in honor of Janessa

UPDATE:  I've had some people comment that blogger isn't letting them post a comment. If this is happening to you please send me an email at mommyofanangel@hotmail.com with your comment and I will post it for you for Janessa's Give-A-Way Drawing.

You know what I like best about Feb. 29th--I have no hard or sad memories of this day because it didn't exist the past 2 years!  I like that it is giving me 1 more day until I have to face March, 1 more day to take a deep breath, 1 more extra day--I like that--thank you leap year!!!

I decided I'm going to start a happy memory to associate with this day.  I'm having a Give-A-Way Drawing in honor of Janessa's 2nd Angel Birthday.  I will choose 2 people and each will receive an angel bear and a rainbow pinwheel.  To enter just leave a comment below telling me what kinds of things you have done to honor/remember your angel baby on their angel birthdays.  This give-a-way will be open from now until March 9th (Janessa's Angel Birthday)--names will be chosen on March 10th.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Perfect Peace

Last year I completely fell apart the month of February, I believed that once March came I would no longer be able to function that I would just stay in bed all day long depressed because of Janessa's angel b-day.  March 1st arrived and I woke up to a complete feeling of Peace and Calm that was indescribable.  It was like I was in the midst of a terrible hurricane all the grief and emotions swirling around me but I was calm and at peace and they did not affect me.  This to me was the true meaning of the word SERENITY--The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.

I found this story that I really liked that talked about Peace which I think relates to feeling Serenity.

There once was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of Peace. many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.


One picture was a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror, with peaceful, towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who say this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of Peace.


The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell and in which lightening flashed. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked closer, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water and noise, sat the mother bird on her nest . . . in perfect peace.


Which picture won the prize?


The King chose the second picture. "Because," explained the King, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

I love that definition of peace--that is what I am striving for. I will never have the worlds definition of peace--no troubles or conflicts or stress--for my grief will always be with me, but I can find Heavenly Father's definition of Peace--to be in the midst of all those trials and conflicts and stress and still be calm in your heart.

I truly hope that I will find some of that Perfect Peace this year as Janessa's 2nd Angel birthday gets closer and closer.

This is a youtube video with one of my favorite songs by Laura Story entitled Perfect Peace

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

MARCH

I am stressing about the beginning of March next week--I hate/love March.  A lot of awful and good things have happened in March.  Almost 102 years ago my husbands Grandma was born on March 10th and his Grandpa and Grandma were married in March--Janessa is buried next to them at the cemetery.  My husband and I got engaged in March almost 20 years ago.  In 2008 my husband ended up in the hospital (the same hospital Janessa was born at) in ICU in intensive care with double pneumonia for a week--interestingly enough the week of March 9th-March 15th, the exact same days that Janessa died and her funeral 2 years later in 2010.  In March of  2009 I had a dream about 2 more children that were suppose to come to our family--all I saw were 2 little kids that were about 1 year apart in age holding hands and smiling at me.  In 2010 I lost my precious angel Janessa on March 9th.  In 2011 a new pregnancy began in March only to end 10 weeks later--that was my 2nd angel baby Hope Abigail.  Is it any wonder why I am stressing out about another March about to begin?!

Movies that inspire me like Tangled, While you were sleeping, Monte Carlos & Dolphin Tale
A retouch photographer, HeartPrints, who created beautiful IN COLOR pictures of Janessa last year and got them back to me before Janessa's 1st angel birthday.
Remembering Janessa & Releasing Balloons & anyone else who Remembers her on her birthday and every day.
Caring nurse, Shelly, who treated Janessa like she was an alive newborn, Caring people who donated the blanket, hat & gown that Janessa wore in the hospital, Caring grief counselor at the hospital who sent a Card 1 year later on Janessa's 1 year angel
birthday, Christ who has made it possible for me to see Janessa again and who helps me through each day.
Hand and foot molds of Janessa, Having a chance to Hold Janessa, Having the priviledge to carry Janessa for 9 months inside me to Hear her Heartbeat and feel her kick and move, Having Janessa's name written by so many caring people.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Sweet Angel Jubilee

I am amazed at Michelle Duggar's interview on Feb. 14th as she talked about her miscarriage.  I have always admired her family and followed their website for the past couple of years.  I was pregnant with Janessa and my due date was a couple of weeks apart from hers when she had her last baby, Josie, prematurely.  If you haven't seen the video post she made to her sweet miscarried angel baby Jubilee you can view it here.

I feel sad and sorry for them that they had to loose their sweet baby, but, I'm grateful for their willingness to talk about it and share what it is like.  I wish everyone could hear and listen to Michelle's advice that the worst thing you can do when someone has a miscarriage/stillborn baby is to say nothing and pretend it didn't happen--that the best thing you can do is just say I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby and acknowledge and validate that little baby's life.  When they showed clips of the film rolling as they went in for what they thought would be a routine ultrasound to find out if they were having a boy/girl and then to find out that the baby had passed away instead and to see Michelle crying it broke my heart and instantly brought me back to those awful moments when they told me that Janessa was gone.  I thought how horrible to have that on tape and to have to relive it all over again and then to show it to the whole world, but, then I thought I relive that moment all the time too and maybe, just maybe it will be a good thing for people who have no idea what being a blm is like to see that "awful moment" on their tv screens and then they will have a few moments of living in our shoes and maybe, just maybe it will help people be more sensitive--I can only hope.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Lilly Elizabeth's Angel Birthday--Feb. 22

Happy Angel Birthday

Lilly Elizabeth!

February 22

Today is a hard remembrance day for me.  2 years ago I rejoiced on this day because it was the day Janessa turned from being breech position to head down position.  It is now a day that I mourn, because I believe, even though there was no evidence found, that when she turned she got tangled in her umblical cord which lead to her death.  It just made me horrified last year thinking about it--I had to get away from my house and focus on something else, so I went to my SHARE Grief class that night.  I had bought angel bears to hand out that night to all the other BLM's there in honor and remembrance of Janessa's 1st Angel birthday.  It was an incredible experience to hand those bears out--that was my first experience in reaching out to other BLM's to comfort them in their grief.  The joy and peace that it brought me replaced all the horror and sadness that I had felt earlier.

I also handed out a poem titled "A Pair of Shoes" that I want to share again this year with everyone:

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think

I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

to truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

but, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Lost in Grief

I feel as if a tidal wave of grief has swept over me these last couple of days.  I can't seem to keep my head above water any more.   All the memories come rushing back now as the final 2 weeks before Janessa's angel birthday arrive.  I can't sleep at night because my mind won't turn off all those remembrances of her final days inside me and the day she was born.  It is hard to function during the day--I just feel like a robot going about the duties of the day.  I'm having a hard time controlling the tears--I seem to have a leaky faucet from my eyes that burst at random times all during the day.  I feel overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and guilt that I didn't keep Janessa safe her last 2 weeks of life inside me.  I feel like a failure as a Mommy especially because I lost Hope Abigail last year--now I have failed 2 babies.  This was suppose to be different this year.  It was suppose to be easier and more peaceful to go through Janessa's 2nd Angel birthday because I was suppose to be cradling my 3 month old rainbow baby, Hope.  Instead the hole in my heart is larger and the grief is almost too much to bear.  I find myself unable to even cope with the thought of having to endure another of Janessa's angel birthdays. I would like to request your help of prayers that I will be able to find my faith and trust in Heavenly Father again, that I will be able to find peace amidst the storms of grief that swirl around me and that I will not give in to the deep, dark, hole of depression that wants to suck me in.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Emmaliese's PinWheel

Another Friday

Okay, I made it through another week.  I'm glad it's Friday, but, I'm also sad it is Friday because in exactly 3 weeks from today on a Friday it will be Janessa's angel b-day.  Here are some Hug's From Heaven that helped me through this week:

*Reading other BLM blogs and realizing that last year I didn't know what a blog was and had no idea how many BLM's there really are.  I look back at last year and I don't know how I made it through that year.  I find great comfort and healing reading everyones thoughts and feelings and joys and sorrows and being able to relate in some small little way.

*Cute emails from BLM friends with my angel babies names--These mean the world to me!!!

Thank You Crystal!

Thank you Christine!

*Going back out to the cemetery and finding that Janessa's Valentine decorations were still there and hadn't been thrown away yet and having a nice, sunny, warm day this time.  Bringing back the little pink bear that has spent the week at Janessa's grave.

*These cute valentine pencils--I don't know if you can see that on these pencils are butterflys, hearts and ladybugs.  The butterfly is the symbol I picked that represents Janessa to me and the Heart is the symbol that represents Hope to be because she gave my heart hope and courage and then broke my heart once again.  Over the winter I have started to associate the ladybug as a symbol for Hope also because a couple of weeks before her due date I was arranging the pinwheels inside my house and a ladybug had come inside with the pinwheels and it brought me some joy and hope on those very hard weeks.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Birthday Blues

Last week was my youngest living daughters birthday--she turned 6.  Her birthday was really hard on me for a couple of reasons.  First because her birthday is the last birthday in our family that Janessa went through with me and I have vivid memories of being 8 months pregnant trying to decorate a cake and wrapping presents.  Also, hers was the last birthday when I was the "old" before grief Shauna.

Second, I am now officially out of the baby/toddler/preschool stage at our house.  This is good because it means my kids are growing up and becoming more independent like it should be, but, this is bad/sad because I love the baby/toddler/preschool stage because it is fun/hard and my kids need me a lot more than they do in the older stages of their life.  It is difficult because I should be experiencing all the stages right now--teenagers, preteen, child, AND Toddler AND Baby stage--death has stolen my last experiences to go through the Baby/Toddler/Preschooler stage again and that is very hard and seems very CRUEL.

I made my daughter a Tangled cake because that is her favorite movie and because it has special meaning to me regarding Janessa and Hope.  I put 2 small icing butterflys on her cake that no one knew the meaning of; they represented Janessa and Hope so when my daughter blew out her candles, for me it was like she blew out candles for both Janessa and Hope too.

I think along with the grief, that I'm going through a little mid-life crisis because it is hard to see what role I play now or fit into, I feel a little confused and lost.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Calder Max's Angel Birthday--Feb. 14

Happy Angel Birthday

Calder Max!

Happy Valentines Day!

 Happy Valentines Day

Janessa & Hope Abigail

and all of their Angel Friends

we have met and Angel Friends

we haven't met yet!

Ethan Charles Angel Birthday--Feb. 13

Happy Angel Birthday

Ethan Charles!

Valentines at the Cemetery

Sometimes I really hate going to the cemetery--today was one of those days.  We have a tradition in our house that my husband and I "heart attack" each of our kids bedroom doors by sticking hearts and little valentine cards all over their door on Valentines Day.  I wanted some way to give Janessa a "heart attack" too, so I got all these little heart decorations and heart confettie and a cute little pink bear to put at her grave.  Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate with me today, it was cold, snowy, rainy, wet, slippery, did I mention Extremely COLD and just plain miserable!  My husband and I braved the wind, rain/snow and trudge through the wet, yucky, muddy grass to Janessa's grave.  As I was trying to place some of the hearts around her headstone I slipped and ended falling right onto her headstone.  I was a mess physically and emotionally by the time we trudged back to our car.  I ended up bursting into tears because I hate having to give my baby her valentine at the cemetery.  I hate having to leave her at that cold, wet, messy place.  I want to bring my baby home safe and sound in my arms alive and well.  One good thing is that cute little pink bear that I left at her grave is a way for part of me to stay with her for this week and then when I go pick it up it will be a way for part of her to stay with me.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

23 Months--Feb 9, 2012

Today is Janessa's 23 month angel birthday.  This is a hard day for me because it begins the 30 day count down to her 2nd Angel Birthday.  It begins all the last memories I have of her.  All the kicking and movements, the last doctors appointment and hearing her beautiful heartbeat for what would be the last time, remembering feeling so huge and tired as we tried to share my body, remembering laying there in the middle of the night miserable because there was no comfortable position and feeling her dancing away inside of me having her own little party, remembering as I drove my oldest daughter to and from school that she would kick and move like crazy responding to my oldest daughters voice as she talked to me, and remembering the last time I felt her kick and move.  There are times when I wish I could go back to those last 30 days and first change the outcome, and if I couldn't do that at least cherish and enjoy each one of those moments knowing that it would be my last with her.  It is so incredibly hard because these truly are moments and memories that are just between her and I--my own silent grief.

Added to all of that is the memories of last year and how I literally fell apart.  Last year I couldn't function--I reached out for life lines and found some, but most people had "forgotten" and that in a sense was like they threw me a 100 lb weight instead that dragged me down further. It is so very frustrating to find myself this year again falling apart, different than last year, but, still falling apart.  I imagined this point in my life to be so different last year that I would be able to handle it this year.  But, then I remember that I am still in the middle and in the hardest point of the grief journey with Hope Abigail and that is part of why I am still sitting her 23 months later--a mess.

Happy 23 Month Angel Birthday

Janessa!

It's so hard to believe it has been almost 2 years since

you went to Heaven.  I miss you every day.

I Love You!

Love, Mommy

9 Months Later--Feb 7th, 2012

9 Months?  It has been 9 months since my miscarriage--unbelievable!  I could have gone through another entire pregnancy in that time.  9 months that I did make it with Janessa and sometimes I feel so cheated that I only got 10 weeks with Hope.  The other day I felt phantom kicks in my tummy where you feel like there is a baby kicking, but, it is all just a dream.  I miss the baby kicks from Janessa, and I feel so sad that I never got to the 9 month point to feel the baby kicks from Hope--I was so looking forward to that.

I'm in the doubting--this isn't real stage of grief and this is hard because I have nothing to turn to--no pictures, no blanket she was wrapped in, no clothes she wore, no little hand and feet molds--nothing but a positive pregnancy test and a couple of pictures of me during those brief 10 weeks.  I don't view her as 9 months old, I view her from the point of my EDD so to me she would be 2 months old.

Happy 9 Month Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

I Love and Miss You so much!

Love, Mommy