Some Days . . . . .

Today is the day of the week that I miscarried Hope Abigail.  I just feel numb and empty today.  I was happy to receive in the mail today a beautiful pen with Hope and Janessa's name written on it from Ashlen's Angel Pens.  Thank you so much Ashley!!!

It has now been 8 days of wearing yellow shirts in honor of Hope Abigail.  It has actually been a lot of fun to remember her this way.  I saw a yellow shirt the other day with a frowny face on it that said "Take your Happy Attitude somewhere else!"  Okay, I'm in a rotten mood so that actually made me laugh. 

Some days I get tired of seeing happy normal people with what looks to me like their perfect lives, where my life has been not even close to normal or happy for the past 2 years.

Some days I get tired of people trying to hurry me along the grief journey and expect me to get over it already.

Some days I get tired of the lack of sympathy, empathy, and insensitivity towards baby loss mommies.

Some days I get tired of no one remembering that I had 2 other babies too, and they lived short little lives and they have NAMES!

Some days I get tired of seeing babies and toddlers and pregnant women at the store, at church, or it seems like EVERYWHERE I go.

Some days I can't stand hearing people tell me how happy Janessa and Hope are because they are in Heaven and how grateful I should be that they are there and not here in this awful world and that I should just be grateful for the children I have--I AM!  But to me not having my babies in my arms is not a happy thing for me and I will never feel complete happiness knowing they are not here with me.

So yes, some days I get tired of happy people and their happy attitudes with their happy little normal lives and yes, some days I would like to tell them to take their happy attitudes and go somewhere else.  Maybe it's because I'm jealous that I will never have that casual happy normal life ever again.  I'm not saying that I will never find joy or happiness ever again because I know I will find a way to blend this grief into the pattern of my life, but, any happiness and joy that I find will always be mixed with a little sadness, so I guess to steal another blm's term I will be SADAPPY from here on out.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

The Tree

Meet my friend The Tree:

Last year on this week my Tree and I spent a lot of time together as I was on partial bed rest hoping to prevent a miscarriage.  I poured out my soul to this tree that is outside my window.  It heard all my fears before and during my miscarriage and then all my sorrows after my miscarriage.  We became good friends my Tree and I.  It listened without judging or critizing me.  It didn't cringe as I cursed and complained over and over that my life wasn't fair.  It didn't give me advice or try to solve my problems or tell me trite sayings like "time heals all wounds"  or "be grateful for the children you do have".  It didn't try to fix me or change me, it accepted me for the person I have become because of my grief.  It just quietly listened and stood straight and tall and pointed to Heaven, quietly reminding me that Heavenly Father cared and was weeping with me. 

Thank you Tree for understanding and for being a True Friend.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Flores Angel Birthday May 3rd

Happy Angel Birthday

Angel Flores!

Roman Zac's Angel Birthday May 3

Happy Angel Birthday

Roman Zac!



Hang in There

My husband left this little "yellow" hanger note for me today.  It really meant alot to me because today is one of those hard memory days.

Some days that is all you can do is

 hang in there. 

 My daughter has been copying the following quote for her handwriting homework all week:

"I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."
 -Abraham Lincoln

 Some times that is all you can do to is pray because there is no where else to go.  Even when I'm angry and cursing the unfairness of life I will usually end up on my knees in prayer.

The week that Janessa died I still remember the quote that my other daughter had been copying everyday for handwriting:

"God doesn't give you what you can handle, He helps you handle what you have been given."

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Journey Peace's Angel Birthday

Happy Angel Birthday

Journey Peace!

May Thankful List

Here is my May Thankful List:

M-Mountains--I love watching the sunrise and sunset over the mountains that surround us.  Mommy of Angel friends that I have made on my grief journey

A-Angel Babies--Thankful for my 2 Angel Babies Janessa & Hope and that I was given the opportunity to be their Mommy.

Yellow flowers, yellow shirts, yellow shoes, yellow wall sign that says Hope.

Hope is in Heaven

Yesterday we had home teachers (members of our church who are assigned to watch over our family and teach a monthly message)  come to visit our family.  As they were trying to teach us a little message they asked a question and then turned to my 6 year old daughter and said "Okay, let's start with the youngest."  To which she replied, "Well, that is Hope, but, she is in Heaven."   It was so cute!!!

It touched my heart to have her totally validate Hope's little life and recognize her place in our family.  My 6 year old takes great delight that she is NOT the youngest child, that she has two siblings below her even if they are in Heaven.  :)

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

River Daniel's Angel Birthday April 30

Happy Angel Birthday

River Daniel!

Jonathan's PinWheel

Another Angel in Heaven

I am in shock, disbelief, angry, and extremely heartbroken for Angel Liam's Mommy, Becky.  I am so very sorry Becky that your sweet little rainbow baby, Evelynn, became an angel this week.  I was so excited for you this week that you would finally be able to meet your sweet daughter, I'm glad you got a couple of days with her, but, this is so unfair and cruel to have her taken from you so soon.  I will never understand why Mommy of Angels who have already endured the death of one baby have to go through it again--life at times is so unfair.   Dear God, help us all to see the sun behind these dark clouds.

Becky, on the day of your daughters birth and her angel day I was taking sunrise pinwheel pictures for 2 other angel babies, I know these angel babies, Hope & Jonathan, would gladly share these sunrise pictures with Evelynn.

April 22, 2012

April 24, 2012

Remembering two Angels
Sweet Liam and His Beautiful Baby Sister Evelynn Today

Please remember their Mommy and Daddy, Becky and Dereck in your prayers.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

10 Yellow Shirts

Today it is 10 days to Hope Abigail's 1st Angel Birthday.  In honor and remembrance of the 10 precious weeks I carried her, I am wearing a yellow shirt each day through May 7th.  I'd almost rather be wearing black because that is how I really feel like a big stormy rain cloud, but, maybe my yellow shirts will help me find a small peace and joy that I don't feel right now.

 I have officially been wearing black fingernail polish with sparkles on my toe nails for almost 1 year now—some may be original from last year because I’ve never official scraped it off, I’ve just recoated when it started peeling off. I put it on last year on this week when the doctor’s told me that I might be having a miscarriage because I felt so much despair and hopelessness. I kept it on throughout this year to represent my silent grief that nobody sees.

May 2011

2012

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Hope's PinWheel

Hope joins 4 other Angel Siblings in Heaven

(Liberty, Elijah, Eden, & Journey)

The Countdown Chart

Remember this Countdown Chart I posted about a couple of months ago?

This Chart is counting down the days until our family leaves on our vacation, well, this is what it looks like this week:

I can't believe there are only 2 weeks left until we leave for Arches National Park!!!  I'm excited to be able to get away for a while.  The only problem with this chart is that it has also been a big reminder of  Hope's Angel Birthday too, because we leave the week of her angel birthday.

I'm not excited for that day, I don't want to remember another angel babies 1st birthday, I want to be celebrating her 5 month birthday instead.  This week is the last "happy pregnancy" memories I have of Hope.  Next week I get to relive one of the worst weeks of my life as every day was either a day filled with hope that everything was going to be okay or despair that everything was falling apart, back and forth every other day until my miscarriage of Hope.  Here's a couple of other posts I wrote right after I miscarried Hope:  SILENT GRIEF, I MISS. 

It's going to be a long 2 weeks I hope I can survive all the emotional hurricanes next week.

Because of my vacation coming up, any pinwheel picture requests I receive now, I will place on my waiting list, but, I probably won't be able to get to them until after May 20th.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Alexis Antonette Angel Birthday April 25

Happy Angel Birthday

Alexis Antonette!

Beautiful Sunrise

I have to share this picture I took as I was doing pinwheel pictures this morning.  The sunrise this morning was AMAZING!!  Tesha this sunrise was for you--a personal message of love from Heavenly Father and your little angel Jonathon. <3  Happy 3 month Angel Birthday Jonathon!

Baby Coppernall

15 Days . . . . .

15 days until Hope's 1st Angel Birthday.  I'm going crazy already remembering the awful things that happened the week of my miscarriage.  I'm really critical of myself right now.  Every little thing I do wrong I end up hating myself and telling myself what a terrible mother I am and that I can't do anything right.  And then it all comes back to the fact that I feel so awful because I didn't keep my babies safe while they were inside me, even though there is nothing I could have done to prevent their deaths.  Hope's miscarriage eats at me even more than Janessa's because she was my rainbow baby, she was my hope to make up for  not keeping Janessa safe.  To have lost Hope almost a year after Janessa was a big blow to my self esteem and self confidence and now everytime I get closer to those yearly anniversary dates it is hard to feel like I'm good at anything anymore.  It was my job to keep my babies safe and to feel like I failed twice at that is almost unbearable.

Days like today I'm not functioning in real life very well.  I was trying to read a chapter of the story Sarah Plain and Tall to one of my daughters and as Anna is describing how she felt when her baby brother was born and then her mother died I just burst out bawling.  I'm sure my daughter thinks I've lost it.  I just feel so emotional right now that everything is causing me to burst out in tears.  I'm trying to hide all these feelings and just let it be a silent grief instead, but, there is a hole in my dam and the water keeps leaking through.

15 days until all those awful memories of my miscarriage come bursting through the deep, dark, memory file I tried to shove them into.  15 days that were the last I had with my little baby Hope.  I think I will wear something yellow or something with a heart or ladybug on it in rememberance of those last 15 days, every day until May 7th because those are the symbols that remind me of Hope Abigail.

15 days until the anniversary of when my life fell apart again. I feel like yelling and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum again.  I don't want these days to go by, I don't want her birthday to get any closer, I want to curl up in a ball, hug her little bear and just cry and cry and cry.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

The New PinWheel Garden

I finally moved the pinwheels out of my flower bed and into their own pinwheel garden.  It has been a lot of experimenting to see what worked best and I'm still not sure if I'm completely happy with the final outcome, but, I guess I'll leave it like this for a while and then make changes if I need to. 

In the center of the pinwheels is a Wishing Well that eventually will have forget-me-not flowers planted inside it.  I chose the Wishing Well because it symbolizes the following to me:

*I Wish all our angel babies were safe in our arms.

*I Wish for the day when we will get to see and hold our

angel babies again.

*I Wish for Peace to find each of us.

*I Wish to be able to accept God's plan in my life and Trust Him again.

"My WISH is not to be defined by the great sadness that I feel, but to be a better person because of the experience I have been given, no matter how unwelcome

this experience is." Rebekka Hauskins

I found the last quote on the blog Haydens Helping Hands written by angel baby Hayden's Mommy, Rebekka Hauskins.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Chase Gabriel's Angel Birthday April 22

Happy Angel Birthday

Chase Gabriel!

Audrina's Angel Birthday April 21

Happy Angel Birthday

Audrina!

100 PinWheels

This week I did my 100th pinwheel picture!  This has brought out a lot of different emotions in me.  First, amazement because when I created this blog last year I never imagined that a year later there would be 100 pinwheels surrounding Janessa's pinwheel.  Next, I feel humbled and grateful that I have been given the opportunity to honor and remember 100 angel babies in such a special way.  I am grateful for the peace and joy this has brought into my life.  The last emotion this brings to me is sadness that so many other mommy and daddies are on the same grief journey that I am on.  Also, realization that 100 is probably a very small amount compared to the number of angel babies there really are.  How did I not know about this world of angel babies before March 9th, 2010? 

I am grateful that I have a way to honor and remember my angel babies Janessa & Hope Abigail by being able to reach out and help others in a small way.   I am grateful for all of Janessa and Hope's 100 angel friends and for all the BLM's I have met on this journey and look forward to helping those BLM friends I haven't met yet.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

7 Loaves and 2 Fishes

My daughter was asked to be a speaker at her seminary building dedication today.  She started going to seminary 4 years ago in a makeshift tent, then a portable, and now they finally have a permanent seminary building.  She did an AWESOME job on her talk.  I know she was asked to speak partly because she needed to go through the experience, and I think because God had a message for me today at that seminary dedication that I wouldn't have gone to if she hadn't been speaking.  I went there happy to support my daughter and to hear her talk, but, I walked away with my spiritual bucket filled to the rim.  I was not expecting that at all this morning.

One of the seminary teachers quoted the story from the bible where Jesus is to feed the large crowd of people and all He has is 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

Matthew 15:36

Then Jesus called his disciples unto him, and said, I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way. 

And his disciples say unto him, Whence should we have so much bread in the wilderness, as to fill so great a multitude?

 And Jesus saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? And they said, Seven, and a few little fishes.

 And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground.

 And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.

He emphasized that the first thing Jesus does is GIVE THANKS for what he does have.  He said we can spend our lives thinking about what we don't have or we can look at what we do have and give thanks for that.  He also quoted Paul and the things he learned  after the many trials that he went through.  One of the things he learned was to be content with what he had.

Philippians 4:11, 13

 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be ^acontent.  I can do all things through ^aChrist which ^bstrengtheneth me.

He encouraged us to find Joy in the Journey now, not wait until our Journey's end.  They ended this dedication with a beautiful prayer and then sang a song that one of the students had written that I wish I had the words to because it talked about how we all have trials but that God is there for us, we just need to choose to follow him, choose to obey him, and the last line in the song choose to TRUST him.

I have a million thoughts running through my head right now.  This felt like a personal message to me from Heavenly Father telling me He is aware of my pain and grief, that He wants to help me through this and that I need to focus more on what I do have and give thanks for that instead of only focusing on what I don't have and that I need to reach out to Him and Trust Him.

So today I give thanks for my 7 precious loaves (living children & husband) and my precious 2 fishes (angel babies) that God has given me the opportunity to have in my life, even if it was for only a short while.

Note:  Seminary is a program my church sponsors where youth ages 14-18 go to a class during their regular school day and have a spiritual gospel lesson.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
:)ar, kb, hr, ae, aj, & kc's, Mommy:)

Darian Madison's PinWheel

Angel Siblings in Heaven Together

Dakota & Madison