Everything seems to be a trigger for me right now. Today it was the laundry. Today I washed the last load of maternity clothes that I will ever wear. So heartbreaking. In this load of clothes are the two shirts that I wore on the worst days of my life last week. The first a blue one with flowers on it that I wore on Wed. when I first started spotting and what I wore when I last saw my little Jason alive. The other shirt my pink butterfly heart shirt that I wore on Oct. 10th when I got the awful news that Jason no longer had a heartbeat and that I wore through my miscarriage. I'm actually really glad that I was wearing that shirt. I bought that shirt when I was pregnant with Hope because it had a butterfly on it and I wanted to wear something that reminded me of Janessa while I was pregnant with Hope. I never got to wear this shirt with Hope. I actually bought 2 different sizes of this shirt one really big that I could wear while I was pregnant and one my normal size so I could wear it when I wasn't pregnant. I was thrilled to discover after I miscarried Hope that there were hearts on the butterfly so it symbolized both my little angel girls. Now both of these shirts will forever hold special meaning to me and I think I will pack them away with the green maternity shirt that reminds me of Janessa.
So this is what my closet looked like before I tore it all apart and threw all the maternity clothes out. Most of these maternity clothes never got worn just like with Hope and are just reminders of all my other pregnancies, 6 of which resulted in alive babies and then my 7th pregnancy which resulted in my angel Janessa.
These are the shirts that I actually got to wear with this pregnancy. I was so happy to discover that I had worn 8 different shirts this time. With Hope I only got to wear 1 maternity shirt and that was after I discovered I was miscarrying her and hurriedly went to find a maternity shirt so I could say I had at least wore 1 maternity shirt and honestly it was such an awful week that I have no idea which shirt it was. All of these shirts allowed me to feel the joy and happiness of being pregnant with Jason. They gave me hope and allowed me to relive happy memories from my pregnancy with Janessa and for that I am grateful.
Then I have my beloved rainbow socks that I have been wearing every Friday to celebrate that I had made it through another week with Jason. I wore them the day I miscarried him too. I can never wear these socks again--they symbolize too much for me. Right now they represent all the hopes and dreams that have been stolen from me again. I do need to do something on Thursdays to remember Jason and on Fridays to remember the weeks we will not get together. With Hope I put little pinwheels out by her memorial stone--10 surrounding it to represent the weeks we got together and then each week I would go put another pinwheel out to represent another week that we didn't get until I reached 40 and her due date. That actually was NOT healing at all, it felt more traumatizing so I don't want to do that again. Although when I ever get enough courage to order a memorial stone for Jason I may just put 12 little pinwheels around it to represent the 12 weeks that we did get together. I've been thinking since I've had so much fun with the rainbow socks that maybe I will just go find some blue socks with stars (Blue because that is the color that represents Jason to me and stars because that is his symbol--anything that has to do with the sky--blue sky, clouds, rain, rainbows, stars, sunrises and airplanes) on them and wear them every Thursday and Friday to honor and remember and grieve for him. I don't know if that will help or not everything just feels so confusing right now.
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