I learned a new technique in my EMDR Therapy that I can use by myself to help me when I feel panicked feelings especially now when I relive all the miscarriage memories.
I have gone up and down on the roller coaster grief emotion ride this week. Some days I feel peace and joy and hope and feel okay. Other days I feel heartbroken and can't seem to even function and still other days I'm so angry that I just want to throw and break things.
For my NOT 14 Weeks, I hung up Jason's new wind chime in the tree next to Janessa and Hope's wind chimes above their memorial stones.
I cleaned up Janessa and Hopes memorial stones and found a spot for Jason's memorial stone when it comes. My daughter made a temporary memorial stone for him out of sticks.
I took down the PinWheel Healing Field and put all the pinwheels together and placed them inside my house.
I went to my last Obgyn miscarriage checkup appointment. To help me get through it I took 3 little h.o.p.e. bags as a donation for them to give to others who loose their babies this month.
This last appointment was really HARD!!!!! I was a mess as we drove back to that stinking hospital and road up the elevator. All the memories of 2 weeks ago came rushing back. When we got in there they wanted me to talk to the billing office I didn't think any thing of it until they start giving me the familiar this is how much your insurance will pay and how much you will pay for the next 6 months at your monthly appointments. Then it clicked--these morons thought I was still pregnant!!! :( I not so nicely interrupted her little speech and said this appointment today is for a MISCARRIAGE follow-up--THERE IS NO MORE BABY!!!!!!!! Then I abruptly ran out of there and back to the waiting room where I had a melt down. :`(
I was sad because I wanted to be setting up a payment schedule to pay for my alive baby in April--I was ANGRY that the billing office practically stabbed me in the heart reminding me that my baby was gone. I was so glad when my nurse came and got me and she asked me how I was and I started bawling and she hugged me. I'm so glad that I had those little h.o.p.e bags that I was donating with me because that helped me calm down and then I had my nurse and my doctor in tears because of those bags. The appointment with my obgyn actually went really well. He was very kind and compassionate and understanding and that makes all the difference in the world. I don't like that this was my last appointment, but, I am okay and at peace that this is how it is suppose to be. I also found out that of the 5 of his patients over 40 who we were all pregnant together another one miscarried her baby last week :`( so now there are only 3 left.
I finished 2 PinWheel Pictures for Angel Baby Thor and Angel Baby Rivera.
Did a little "Shopping Grief Therapy" and found me some new cute NON pregnant clothes and some new material for pinwheel picture backgrounds and a beautiful little sign that says HOPE for my new motto in life.
And I wore my star socks and knit 6 little angel hats. Today's NOT 14 weeks has been really hard because the 14 is reminding me that Jason was suppose to be born in 2014 and I was so excited to have a baby born in that year. Also, today is the 25th and it is exactly 6 months to what should be Jason's due date.
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